Clowning Around

Sorry Bozo, take your clown show elsewhere...

The latest dating kafuffle:

I think I almost went on a date with a clown. Like a literal clown, not just the typical idiot who acts like a clown that I find myself out with regularly. I mean I know my life resembles a circus regularly, but this is a bit much. Let me explain....

So there is this guy, let’s call him Krusty the Clown. Krusty and I had met online and chatted on the phone for a few hours 2 months ago while we both happened to be driving to our homelands. Surprisingly, he past my rigorous phone test and I actually found him endearing, even though his annoying GPS was constantly going off because he kept on getting lost. Ahhh, a man who has no sense of direction, much like myself. Granted, perhaps he past the initial assessment because I was driving 80 mph and anyone who has ridden with me knows that my little convertible with a loud sports muffler is far from a quiet ride at that speed.... Anyway, I probably only heard half of the conversation we had at best and I’m guessing I let my imagination fill in the details I couldn’t hear. Anyway, it was a good chat and then a week later when we spoke again briefly prior to his drive back to Chicago, I was actually looking forward to meeting up with him. I should have known (and paid attention) better...

Krusty, though repeatedly calling and texting me like a stalker, followed by totally ignoring me for a whole month, ended up blowing me off twice for tentative dates, something a sasstastic girl like myself, doesn’t take too kindly too. Sooo, it was to my absolute delight, when one day last week he started texting me again...BINGO! It was now time for some ruthless Scorpio revenge.

In one text he asked me what my last name was and stupidly told me what his was. Now many of you know, that I am the finest investigator there is out there. I can track dirt on anyone simply by knowing where to go on the internet. What? Anyone can do it, it’s all free info that’s out there, I just happen to know how to put the puzzle pieces together better than most and when you encourage me to track your past, you’re damn skippy I’m going to do it! Anyway, being the good little secret agent I am, I naturally DETEST when anyone asks too much information of myself, not that there is anything all that exciting about me out there, I just like to keep the guise of “mysterious” for upper hand purposes. Trust me, once I like you I will spew story after embarrassing story about myself and the dumbass things I’ve done and will have no shame in doing so...however, to get to that point, you’re going to have to do a lot to garner trust and make it to my inner circle dwelling.

Continuing on...

So naturally, I didn’t respond to his inquiring text, buzz off dude, I’m NEVER going to make it that easy for you! Instead of course, I insta stalked him online. First fun piece of information: court records indicated that he used to have a business that was revoked for not paying taxes...scandalous, but what made it all the more juicy was the name of the business... I did a quick Google and couldn’t find much, but I suspect his business was children’s entertainment for hire, meaning he more than likely was a creepy clown or pervy magician! Umm, yuck! Next nugget of fun, his Facebook page. The profile wasn’t all that exciting until I happened to glance at the section which listed his favorite books. Per a quick Amazon scouring, the first several titles were self help Christian dating books. Yikes, Shaggy, that’s scary! The cherry (Bahahahaha!) on the sundae though, was the book about giving orgasms. WHAT? REALLY? You list all these bible beater dating books to get in good with the Brides of Christ Crew and then list a sultry Kama Sutra-esque book on how to be a good lover trying to proclaim to the Facebook community about your mastery of bedroom skills?? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT? Eeeew! Listing these books is essentially the equivalent of boys who proclaim what good kissers they are...and FYI, in every instance that some dude has uttered that phrase to me; it has literally been the polar opposite.

Did I also mention I found out that he doesn’t drink, like AT ALL? Which, of course, this only leads me to believe he is either a recovering drunk and/or he is a Jesus Crispy (Krusty?). Either way he can’t be trusted. Anyone who finds wine, dirty martinis or vodka sodas to be repulsive works of the devil is not someone who I want to swap spit with.

This was never going to work for eight million obvious reasons. Plus, I can’t take you serious if for your day job you wear more make up than I do. That’s wear I draw the line.

Joie de Vivre

So pardon my French, literally, I have no clue how to pronounce the above saying, but I know what it means and I've been feeling it a lot lately. Totally, dippy, yep that is for sure, but I'm feeling more a live lately. Maybe it's all the veggies, maybe it's the exercise, maybe it's because spring has finally sprung in Chicago...regardless it's good to be out there and living life to the fullest.

Ok, so I know all I blog about lately is the BL contest. I admit, I'm a little bit obsessed with it. I can't help it though, I'm competitive and why not be obsessed with it? I'm losing weight to get more healthy! This week's weigh in was killer for me! I had my best weigh in by losing 1.74% this week....though as impressive a loss as that was it STILL wasn't enough to win this week! The winner lost 3.5% of his body weight this week. Who does that? How did he do that? Damn, what do I have to do to win a week around here, saw off a limb? I was considering having one of my many newly minted doctor friends do some pro bono non-vital organ removal. Who needs an extra kidney, an appendix, and while we're at it tonsils? I would add wisdom teeth, but I already had them removed years ago. Maybe if I cut off a bunch of my Rapunzel hair? Nah, I can't do that, I look stupid with short hair as evidenced in the hair debacle of 2004 when I let my alcoholic hairdresser with a case of the shakes cut my hair. Anyway, this week and I am 4th overall having lost 7.43% total (with 2nd and 3rd place just barely ahead at 7.5 and 7.6%). Next Monday is the final showdown. 1st place is still attainable if I work my ass off again this week. I'm at least placing in the top 3, there is no way I'll let that slip through my fingers!

And for those of you who were missing me and my crazy dates, have no fear...there just might be something in the works. We'll see where this one (or two) end up...

The Last Few Weeks...

Look who we got to meet...

Hey all....HELLOOOOOOO. Are you still there?

Sorry about that, I took a break from blogging for a bit. I got busy with life, blah blah blah, boring and tired excuse. Ok fine, I joined a cult for a brief stint. It didn't work out, so now I'm back. Is that a better excuse? ;)

Soooo, what have I really been up to? Well, let's see....the last 2 weekends I hosted a few house guests in my tiny shoebox size apartment. It was cozy to say the least, but I was surrounded by great friends whom I hadn't seen in eons.

Two weekends ago I planned the 30th birthday party for Miss Shauna B. We surprised her by flying in one of her besties, Jackie, from LA to help us celebrate a night of debauchery. The weekend was full of sushi boats, martinis, broken glasses (count at the end of the night was 2 at the same bar...ooops), yummy Molly's cupcakes, cocktail rings from Akira (thanks Jackie!) and the comedy of the talented Mr Bret Ernst.

Last weekend, was of course St Patty's Day weekend and with it brought a visit from Miss Julie. Julie, JMo and I downed a bottle or two of wine in my apartment (or truthfully, believe it or not, I only actually had 1 glass out of those 2 bottles...really I swear). Inspired from my new clock ring, We then decided it would be a genius idea to shop for more cocktail rings....because seriously inebriated shopping is ALWAYS good shopping. Shopping was followed by dinner, a quick drink at an Irish pub down the street and once again more Molly's. Really, I should buy stock in that company since I bring people there all the time. Their cupcakes are so ridiculously good that it literally pained me to only eat half of it and make JMo finish the rest of it for me. Stupid weight loss contest....

And as for the Biggest Loser Contest...I'm still going strong! I'm down 5.53% of my initial weight and currently in 4th place overall. The top 5 are all pretty much neck and neck, so it is still any one's game. The top 5 consists of me and 4 male attorneys. Yes, I am the ONLY girl still in the running for the grand prize. Needless to say, the next 2 weeks will be intense to say the least. Lots of work outs and lots of salads. Victory will be mine!

Reunited!

Me and Jackie

Sushi boats!

This is what happens when you drinks too much wine...

My new cocktail rings!

Three times better with just one letter!

Cauliflower Power

This is what stares at me every night as a part of my dinner...mock mashed taters ie pureed cauliflower

And the Biggest Loser contest rages on....

At today's 4th weigh in I am down 3.5% of my weight! I had a massive loss this week with a 1.65% drop! I was CONVINCED I was going to win's this week's biggest weight drop, but alas I ended up in 3rd. The good news is that overall I'm in 4th...two of the attorneys a head of me are near their goal weights and the third, the associate I not so lovingly call Pig Pen, is my only real competition at this point. Granted Pig Pen has dropped big numbers the last 3 weigh ins, but I figure he'll plateau soon. Plus next week he is on vaca, he is bound to gain weight then, right? I am buckling down and putting my nose to the grind stone EVEN harder this week. I WILL win next week's weigh in and I WILL win overall. There is now like $150 on the line (since people who gain weight have to put in a dollar for every pound), but more than that there is pride and bragging rights in the office, which goes a very long way.

Really I have never eaten so much cauliflower in all my life, my new vegetable of choice.

In other news, I succesfully came in dead last in both rounds of bowling during Gutterball and once again proved that drinking for charity is always a good thing, but not a good thing for my sporting abilities. Apparently all my Wii bowling practice was for not.

This week brings about another hectic schedule. Friday is the GTL Jersery Shore party being hosted by 2 of my Chi pals and Saturday is a sad going away party for Miss Amanda. Additionally there will be drinkies with Miss Megan tomorrow, 2 classes, 2 power point presentations that I haven't even started yet, 2 client reports to draft due Wednesday and a lawyerly meeting to attend at work. Sigh...when does it get less busy around here?

Bitch is Back!

Hey all...kinda been laying low here the last 2 weeks. Truthfully I've been highly agitated from heavily dieting and kind of a bear to be around lately, hence no adventures to be had. Being hungry all the time makes me crabby, go figure. Guess I was never cut out to be a super model....well that and the fact that I'm 3 inches shy of the minimum for being able to strut on the catwalk. At least that is what my one time slimy would be modeling agent told me.

Anyway....

As of Monday I'm down 1% of my weight. Not earth shattering, but I suppose it's better than gaining 1%! I am right in the middle of the pack of our Biggest Loser contest. This week's winner lost 3%. Then again he did have the flu last week. Maybe I should sneak into his office during lunch and lick his phone. Yes, I'm that competitive, that I actually considered doing that.. Anyway, let's hope Monday's weigh in has a more stellar result!

Phat, Fat, Whatever...

Last week I received an email from BCBS stating that they had started up a fitness program that would allow me access to several well known chain gyms for $29/month with no long term contract to sign. Seeing as how the gym in my building reminds me of a serial killer's lair (it's in the scary, smelly basement, there is at least an inch of dust on all pieces of equipment and there appear to be no over head lighting options, so the nearby laundry room's lights need to be on in order to even see a foot in front of you), I knew this was my sign...well that and my booty is looking less than fierce presently. Anyway, I forwarded the deal of the century to all of my coworkers and after much grumble between most of them about extra holiday poundage that hadn't disappeared, the brilliant idea to organize a Biggest Loser contest for our firm was hatched!

On Monday, 13 of us boldly decided to take back control over our mid sections! Weigh in was as pleasant as a root canal and I saw a number I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN, but it was a step in the right direction and hopefully the wake up call that I needed. Additionally, there is money and pride on the line and I'm bound and determined to win!

Yesterday I felt like I was starving all day, but I ate healthy food for all meals and snacks, despite my desire to stuff my head into a potato chip bag, inhale and not care if I suffocate. Today I ate even more healthy options and went to the gym for the first time in a long time. Added bonus, I didn't die while working out, something I was convinced I was deathly allergic to.

Tonight I'm watching my Badgers beat up on MSU, going to bed early and fingers crossed, if I actually get a good nights sleep (stupid insomnia), I plan on getting up early to go to the gym before work. Yes. I just said that. No I haven't lost my mind from lack of junk food. It isn't going to be easy rolling out of bed to get my ass handed to me by the elliptical, and I haven't done the early morning thing since Sarah practically had to pry me out of my apartment kicking and screaming to work out with her in the mornings during the 05-07 stint in Madison, but it'll pay off eventually, right? Maybe I'll become a morning person rather then the morning bitch I kinda am. Ha, that's an amusing thought...

Wish me luck....I'm totally going to need it!

My Mii for the ginormous chart I hung up at work in the kitchen to track the percentage of our weight lost.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

The state of coherence of my neighbor at 8:00am on Friday

Friday morning, while waiting for the elevator in my apartment building, a neighbor who very much resembles a mouse, asked me if it was cold out. Being the total zombie I am until I have my coffee, I stared at him and said "Huh, What?" thinking to myself that I was more out of it than usual. He asked me again, "Do you know if it is cold outside right now?" to which I gave him the You are a Total Moron Look and responded: "Ummm, a) I don’t know, as I just rolled out of bed and b) if I was staking my life on it, I would say yes, it is afterall January in Chicago." Mouseman’s response “Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.” He then proceeded to tell me how he drives to work in his warm car, listens to Drex, but doesn’t like getting out of his car because then he gets cold, but in a few months he isn’t going to be able to drive to work in the morning anymore and then he just going to be cold all morning. I pointed out that in a few months it will be much warmer out. His response. “Oh yeah! You’re right!”

WTF am I living?? To his credit, it did appear that Mouseman had just waked and baked, so that could explain our asinine conversation. At least once of my neighbors is smart, Mark after Dark has a PhD.

After this story was discussed on FB, it was pointed out that he might have been trying to hit on me and just didn't know what to say. If this is true, I suppose my response and eyerolling was kinda bitchy. But seriously, I couldn't help it. His crazy beady rodent eyes were freaking me out. Meh, whatever...

Ask me stupid questions and you get a facial expression like this.

Bizzaro World

Who knew boobs and cupcakes went together?

It's been a weird day....

Today a large chuck of a cupcake fell down my shirt. That was something new and exciting for me. I couldn’t even tell you how exactly it happened, other than I took a bite off the top to get full frosting effect, then turned my head to see if the coffee maker was done brewing and when I resumed my attention to the mini treat, I found no cupcake in my hand. It had migrated down the inside of my shirt. I am a disaster.

Today a friend sent me a request to be a part of a recipe email exchange. This exchange called for writing down a recipe off the top of your head, ie your go-to, quick fix, in a pinch recipe. Ummm, apparently that is something I guess I’m supposed to have had memorized at this point in my life. Ooops. I don’t even have a single recipe that I follow, EVER, let alone one that I can spout off the top of my head. I asked her if Mac & Cheese in the box counted as a recipe. She said no. Guess I just got kicked out of that club.

Today I learned that Einstein’s has discontinued my favorite bagel, the Sundried tomato bagel. Jerks. I had been salivating about it all morning too. Instead I ordered the 4 cheese, which despite the fact that I’m a cheeseacholic, I found it to be totally gross and overly salty. Too add insult to injury, the bagel I was served was burnt to all hell. Why did I get out of bed this morning?

Today and yesterday I’ve had a song stuck in my head, Father Figure by George Michael. However it couldn’t be the normal version that is stuck in my head, oh no...it is the American Idol version that was sang by some guy during the finals a few years ago. WTF? I don’t even watch that show. I just happened to catch that one episode.

Today I learned that Mango skin is not edible. After a quick poll in the office kitchen, no one seemed to know the answer. It has the look and feel of apple skin, but it's never served with skin intact. On my never ending quest for knowledge, I took a bite. Big mistake. It was awful. So bad that I took paper towel and scrapped my tongue off, also not something that tastes so good. Cutting a mango is no easy task either. I managed to mangle my mango. Big surprise. Luckily no fingers were severed, nicked, or bruised in the process.

It’s been a weird day....

Weekend Recap

No major dramatics to discuss from this past weekend. It actually was kinda quiet!

Saturday was spent with several of my favorite Chicago ladies dining at the fantastic, though ridiculously over packed Coobah, followed by drinkies at Sopo, the semi-bane of my existence I just recently decided. I really want to like that bar, but the one time a year that I go there I always end up wondering why. It is overly crowded with people who try to be cooler then they are. Then again, what bar isn't that way?

Highlights of the evening: a girl who showed up in a microskirt so short that you could practically see her vajay and drama of being nearly trampled by Ed Hardy and/or bedazzled button down Dbag's waiting to go to the upstairs bar. Why?? The upstairs is really nothing to get excited about. It's so whatev and I wouldn't wait in line for it. It's not like their idols, the Jersey Shore cast, was up there since we all know now that those bitches bailed on the city of Chicago for a swag bag party in LA this weekend... Actually, who am I kidding? I would done the same!

Perhaps tomorrow the story needs to be told of the last time I was in the Southport neighborhood....this story will more than likely seal my fate in hell. Oh yes, it is that good/bad.

Sunday was spent at a Golden Globes party being hosted by my old London roomie Toni. The best hostess ever had prizes for each category, bountiful food and of course, far too much booze. Naturally, a drinking game of taking a swig every time Haiti was mentioned was enforced. I couldn't really tell you who won the vast majority of the awards, but who cares, I was too busy being a wine-o and making my usual outlandish statements amongst perfect strangers. Hopefully Toni still wants to be friends with me. ;)

WTF?

What the F is this?? I love the Walmart site! Not The Mama!

I have some amusing friends, something I've never questioned. I mean I'm kinda eccentric, so why shouldn't the company I keep be outlandish as well? While cleaning out my text message inbox today I found the below messages. Very reminiscent of TFLN. I'll leave them anonymous to protect the not so innocent. Believe it or not several of these people are big wig professionals... Love ya'll!

Your study guide totally strokes my path

You get arrested yet?

I’m so hung over today that even my soul hurts.

I thought you were 22 for some reason

Why aren’t you spooning with me?

Why must you abuse poor helpless men?

Jesus likes naked little cherubs

How’s my little crossing guard?

Is Yenta-ing really a verb?

I wish you were here to smoke cigs with me. I gotta sneak it with these girls

I am a fucking cougar!

I’ve having drinks with someone you made out with freshmen year.

We’re going to put him on douche island where it doesn’t smell like summer’s eve.

Yes, apparently you told me you would give me them [sunglasses] back to me the next time we make out.

Did he tell you that you had awesome boobs?

Who thinks plaid is flattering when worn on the ass?

Mark after Dark

Tonight I'm hanging out with my neighbor, Mark after Dark (TM Jenna). He's new to the city and I met him on NYE in the elevator of my building. No it isn't a date. I'm just showing him around town. I'm just being neighborly, like Mr. Rogers.

This event could go one of two ways:

1) It becomes a Neighbor Nate situation where he blends with my friends.

2) It becomes a Millhouse situation where Jenna ends up photoshopping a pic of his head being squished by my Ugg boot. (please see above..)

Let's revisit these situations:

Neighbor Nate: Waaay back in the day, when I first lived in Chicago, both Jenna and I lived in the Gold Coast. Shortly after she moved in I came over to visit her one random night, probably during the week. We were bored out of our skulls when all the sudden we stirring next door. We, of course, decided to investigate. We found her neighbor, Nate, singing and playing the guitar. Our eyes lit up with glee. We instantly invaded his apartment, drank all his booze and made him sing us songs. Apparently Neighbor Nate got a kick out of us because he invited his friend over to join in the madness. Said friend ended up having a devil head tattoo on his arm (which Jenna decided to draw a body for, genius!) and told us tales of the time he was on the lam. Yes, we were in the company of a one time fugitive. Blah blah blah, jail reformed him...ect. He might have found jesus or something, I forget. Anyway, Neighbor Nate shortly thereafter became a staple at social events and we all still talk to this day.

Millhouse: I met him at a party of a friend of a friend in 2004. We instantly bonded because he was attending UW to get his PhD is something sciencey, what exactly, I forget. He was from Chicago and came back to visit frequently and at the time I had season tickets on the 50 yard line with Katie, so I was in Madison every other weekend...needless to say, our paths ended up crossing fairly regularly. I liked him because he was the sweet nerdy type who would listen to bitch for hours about all the losers I was dating. He was very supportive and a great friend. I really felt blessed to have him in my life...that is until he went crazy. Like bat shit crazy. Let me just preface this by saying that he and I NEVER dated and he knew who I was dating, as I talked about it all the time with him. Anyway, continuing...I went home for homecoming and ended up meeting David out for a drink after he finished work. Millhouse was at a nearby bar and so I invited him to join us, which he did. We all had a few drinks and had a good time. At the end of the night I left with David, as I was crashing on his couch that weekend. On the drive to David's I received one of several drunk dials from Mr Millhouse who decided to freak out (out of nowhere) and accuse me of hooking up with David and rubbing it in his face. Huh? What? Firstly, David and I have always and will always be platonic friends and there was no instance of David and I even flirting that evening (or any evening ever for that matter). Secondly, WTF did this obsession with me come from? I literally was clueless, I thought we were just great friends. Moving the story on...So naturally I berated him. Then David berated him. Then I screamed at him some more. Then maybe a day later when I had told the story to the whole gang, we all drunk dialed Millhouse just to scream at him some more.

Anyway, here's to a Neighbor Nate kind of night!

Rave Review: Shape Ups

Last Friday in Chicago was a sloppy slushy mess thanks to the weather gods who dumped like a foot of snow on the Second City. As much as I loooove wearing my Uggies on a cold winter day, I just couldn't torture them by wearing them in a practical swamp land. In a pinch for shoewear, I instead decided to sport my new Shape ups that Santa brought me, as the souls of the shoes are like moon boots. I figured at least my jeans wouldn't get wet.

During lunch, I had to run an errand that took much of the hour and by the time I was sitting back at my desk I'll tell ya, I sure was feeling the burn in my bum and thighs. These things really work! It takes a while to get used to them, as you feel like you are walking on a moon walk, they are a little bit pricey, and you definately can't run in them, but I'm happy with them and will be wearing them more often. Added bonus, my jeans didn't get wet either!

I Like:

Shape Ups - Strength
by Skechers

And another one bites the dust...

For those that don't know me all the well, probably don't know about my horrid dating past. If I had to count how many bad dates I have been on in the past 1o years it would be upwards of a million, no really, that isn't too far off of an exaggeration. I've been told that I naturally attract the following men: 1) emotional unavailible men, 2) men with dependency issues, 3) all around weirdos.

This past weeks date falls into the dating realm of weirdo. He just very well might be one of the strangest humans I have ever met. Trust me, I'm all for someone with a quirky personality....I'm kinda out there myself, but I just can't work with the socially inept.

Here is the low down about my date with Braceface:

When he initially told me he had braces, I didn’t care, as I hate bad teeth. Here is the problem though, he refused to talk with his mouth totally open and also refused to smile with his teeth because of his braces. This lead to a lot of mumbling and slurred S’s. He also smiled like a serial killer. Kinda like Charles Manson.



We were at a bar that was totally dead and so of course there were plenty of seating options. He chose seats at the end of the bar for us. About 20 min into the date he stood up. I thought he was getting up to go to the bathroom, but noooo he just stood there. I asked him why he was standing and he told me he doesn’t have enough butt fat and so excessive sitting causes him irritation. I told him to sit, as him towering over me while I’m sitting is weird and makes me paranoid (the guy is 6’5”). He wouldn’t sit, so I had to converse with him while I stared directly up his nose. Awesome.

He had ironic 70’s sideburns. Think Wolverine from X-men. That pretty much sums it up. He told me recently he had one of those mustache/sideburn combo things. He also had a porn mustache and as he called it a “flavor savor.” Gross.

He made contorted faces. I understand I make funny faces when I tell very animated stories, but his face was just contorted.

He asked me to tell him a story, yet every 5 seconds into my story he either made a contorted face, stared at me like a serial killer with crazy bug eyes or most annoyingly, he talked over me and wouldn’t let me finish. The story, about how I got written out of a will because I told a very Catholic relative that the Catholics aren’t the chosen people (a 2 min story MAX), took me 15 min to tell because of all his interruptions. Hey, I get interaction, interjection and jumping in to add things when others are talking...everyone does that once in a while, but literally he interrupted me every 2 seconds to make a cheesy joke that wasn’t funny, charming, interesting or amusing.

Despite my body language which was SCREAMING “GET THE F AWAY FROM ME YOU WEIRDO,” which he even noticed and commented on, he kept on asking for me to hug him and kept on touching my hands or legs. Gross.

He jokingly called me “yo bitch” several times in an attempt to be funny. Not funny.

He made the following remarks throughout the date: “I like your hair, it’s long, so that’s good for pulling, I’ll slap you around, You should kiss me so you can say you kissed someone with braces, and Can you feel the sexual tension between us?”

He admitted to not having many friends. Big surprise Weirdo.

He kept on referring to himself as “completely adorable.” Whatever. He so wasn’t.

I know more about football than he does. What kind of straight man are you?

He told me he thinks that wine bars are pretentious. This could never work. The day before the date he was struggling with ideas of places to go for our date. He said he was trying to find a bar close to my intersection, but was having difficulty doing so. Um, really??? My neighborhood has literally 20 bars within a very short walking distance. His grand idea that he came up with was Buffalo Wild Wings, which I thought was a joke and OF COURSE vetoed immediately. I mean come on, What, what WHAT?? I asked him where he was looking online to get ideas from and he said Yahoo Maps. Um who looks at Yahoo Maps for places to take a date? Since when are they the end all be all in cool places to take a date? Given the fact that he said wine bars are pretentious; I really don’t think he was joking about BWW. This is why I can NEVER date a suburbanite.

He said weird and inappropriate things the entire date. When things like this happen, I flip the switch and go into bitch mode. I should know by now that literally every time I have done this, these weirdos actually tend to like me and are amused by my laser death stares and snotty comments. At one point, I might have told him that he was obviously terrible at reading social cues, as well as me having to tell him he was inappropriate several times, and when he asked if I could feel the sexual tension between us, I replied: “Nope!”

At the end of the date, despite the fact that I had given up on being on good behavior and being charming and thus had moved into the brutally honest bossy bitch mode, he actually leaned in and gave me the kissy face. I’m talking kissy face like a kid makes where you screw up your face and push your lips out as far as they go and then close your eyes. WTF, are you trying to be cute? You look like an idiot. Oh yes, and I failed to mentioned he made the kissy face 4 times. Finally I just gave in and gave him a quick peck after his 4th sad attempt because I felt sorry for him. Please note that just prior to this, I intentionally heavily sighed, rolled my eyes and then just gave him the “You are F’ing kinding me face” at me before I kissed him....he of course noticed this and wasn’t in the least offended. What is wrong with you?? THEN, oh yes, this isn't the end...He copped a feel at the end of the date, said he liked my butt, then asked that I stand up so he could admire it some more.

New Year, New Me

Hmm, well let's state the obvious. Apparently it has been quite a while since I have last posted. Years since I have posted regularly, even.

So what brings me back?

As much as I would like to pretend that I've been living a low key regular ole life the last several years, (well, that is what I was attempting/failing to do anyway) really I think my life might have gotten more ridiculous. When I moved back to Madison in 2005, I was ready to get serious about life. I was over dating like 20 boys at once, over my starter job, over going to social functions 4x a week. I wanted a relationship, a job with more responsibility and was very much willing to grow up and out of my Chicago and college days. Or so I thought. Those "mature" goals last about a month before I was back to doing what I do best...being dramatic, eccentric, fierce Elle. Who was I kidding, giving up blogging my exploits in an attempt to clean up my act??

After much pondering and much request.... I'm baaaaaaack! I'll give this a shot again, at least for a lil bit. I mean seriously, I do need a book deal and blogging infamy seems to be a quick way to get that lately. This bitch is bringing ridiculous back. And yes, I just brought back bringing things back ala 2006. It's a throwback. Ha!

Get ready for 2010 to be a year of excess and ridiculous stories. There might be a few classic stories from 2005-2009 which make an appearance or two or a million because damn there were some doozies.