..I've Got a Golden Ticket...

Call me a dreamer, but where can I find this book featured on the Today show? Who needs the lottery, a game of chance, when you can use your intellect to solve this mystery to gain a small fortune? I'm in, who wants to form a team with me?

Claymation

The horror of all horrors, today I was mistaken for a crazed Clay Aiken fan.

While attempting to buy my dad the new Brett Favre book at Borders, I was stopped en route by a Border's employee who's body ironically enough was so large and similar to a that of a linebacker that she was literally blocking the whole aisle of the sports section. Apparently, the book I was looking for was right next to where Clay Aiken happened to be sitting signing his new "praise Jesus/I am a virgin, but not gay you guys/I can't believe my fans are called Claymates" book. When I tried to explain that the book I needed was right next to Clay, I was given the dirtiest look by the monster woman who, I swear, muttered "Yea right" under her breath.

I don't know what is more disturbing the fact that this lady thought I was trying to cut in front of the line of 500 insane teeny-boppers and their soccer moms waiting eagerly to meet Clay or the fact that there were 500 insane teeny-boppers with soccer moms in tow ditching school just to meet the albino crooner who resembles Howdie Doodie.

Air Head

The New Man

EAST OAK STUDIO APARTMENT- The Raft, more commonly known as an Aerobed, has been dumped by Michelle. The Raft spent it's last night sleeping with Michelle on Friday and deflated early Saturday in preparation for the arrival of a new more adult bed. "Die you bastard die! I never liked you anyway! You make weird sounds and look funny!"

This torrid love affair began in August of 2002 with the realization that the elevators in Michelle's Chicago vintage apartment building were found to be the size of a coat closet and therefore unsuitable for moving a bed to the 11th floor. Being lazy and not wanting to use the winding stairs, the Raft was purchased and easily moved via freight elevator. Heather, Michelle's roommate, also did the same.

Grateful that her parents, in the Christmas spirit, took pity on her and bought the bed, Michelle looks forward to the new possibilities. "Finally, I don't have to worry about rolling into the crack in between the bed and wall! I won't even have to dive just to get on my bed!"

Baby Got Back

I knew my ghetto-booty would be en vogue one day!

Lap Dance

Too all the last minute Holiday Shoppers, here is an excellent idea for you-

I think we all know a few guys out there who might enjoy this product. Not to name names or anything, but I am thinking that a certain East Coaster who recently got laid for the second time in his life could use this to tide him over for the next few years (revenge is a bitch darling, I told you I would get you back!).

I think my favorite part is:

"Care was taken with details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow’s “backside” and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible."

And in other news-

As a favor to my parents, please do not let this happen to me.

A True Gold Coast Trixie

Damn it! I read this and realized that I have done 25 out of the 43 things listed.

Black Sabbath

EAST OAK ROOF TOP- In a crafting experiment gone terribly wrong late Sunday night, Michelle spray painted her entire right hand black on her very windy roof top. The domestically challenged brunette was attempting to make an “inspired piece” as a Christmas present.

Upon realizing no store sold paint thinner at Midnight, Michelle was forced to scour her cabinets for a remedy and found only nail polish remover, an SOS scrub pad and soap.

Michelle, who’s hand is still partially black, has been trying to avoid co-workers all day with the hopes that they don’t notice the black plague hand.

Porno Christmas

Umm...who's idea was it to call Twisted by Keith Sweat and You Make Me Wanna by Usher "sexy holiday music?" There is something seriously wrong here...

The Best Christmas Present Ever....

I was pleasantly (when pleasant means spitting out a gulp of Diet Coke on a computer screen and letting out a scream that rivals Jamie Lee Curtis' in Halloween) surprised to be greeted this morning with an email from the "Fannypack."

Fabio found it necessary to inform me that we can resume our text-messages now because he found a way to do it for free. Wow! How sweet! You found a way to make it possible for us by simply resolving our lack of communication issue (sorry darling, I don't speak Portuguese and you really don't speak English...). We can reconvene our fabulous 3 week relationship because you have so impressed me with your new level of frugality...yes, please let's do it!! I can't wait!

Things that I look forward to:

1) I can get a complex again because you think you are prettier than me!
2) I can stare at your lovely shark tattoo!
3) We can watch Love Actually again by your suggestion!

I don't think I could be more overjoyed! Now we will be as happy as Britney and Kevin!

Ulterior Motives Very Much Apparent

Michelle was called out and unsuccessful in masking what was termed by Shelly as her “not so hidden” intentions. “Damn, was I being that obvious?” the bewildered Michelle was quoted as saying early Saturday evening. Sources have disclosed that Michelle had taken the LSAT earlier that morning and that it was more than likely that her brain was still fried at the time of the IM conversation with Shelly. Speculation suggests that Michelle will be back to her normal crafty self within a day or two.

This is Michelle.


This is Michelle cramming for the LSAT..

Brain Drain

Every time I talk to Joseph I get a migraine. He makes my head spin, and not in the good way. Often times I wonder why I continue to befriend him. The kid drives me mad, but I have found that I love to hate him mostly because he is the most ridiculous person I have ever met. So today, in defense/celebration/to make fun of Joseph, for your reading pleasure, I would like to share with you the nonsensical level that he brings and the endless source of entertainment he provides me. Here is a sample of the things we argued about for an two hours last night on the phone:

1. Whether or not he will have to divulge his arrest for harassing a cabbie prior to taking the bar exam;
   
2. Why he is a selfish stubborn bastard;
   
3. His political take-over of the world (trust me it is frightening, he is a bad democrat);
   
4. Why he loves Brunettes with blue eyes (my lucky day!);
   
5. Whether or not a certain red-head hooked up with his friend, creepy naked Jeremy and/or his roomie Jolie on the dance floor of Spoon;
   
6. Why I should be his wing woman to help him “skirt chase;”
   
7. Why he should be considered a minority because he is half Spanish (as in from Spain, not Mexico);
   
8. Why he adores me when I tell him that I detest him;
   
9. Why he should be my Sugar Daddy; and
   
10. How he is going to have to pay me off to keep quiet once he is famous and powerful.
    

With friends like these, you wonder why I am the way I am....

Pink Slip

Dear John Stocco-

You’re Fired. You have the heart, but that doesn’t change the fact that you cannot throw. This has been an incredible season (minus crumbling at the end), but it has nothing to do with your efforts. You will never be a Brooks Bollinger or Darrel Bevell or while we are at it, you won't even be a slimey and terrible Mike Samuel. Don't take it personally, it is best for the team.

Sincerely,

Barry Alverez

Ethiopian Dinner Adventure

For some reason I was unable to convince Wendi to eat the huge hunk of mystery caveman meat from her half of the Ethiopian dish. Way to spoil the fun Wendi...


But then again, I couldn't be convinced either...

Two Former Delta Dream Men now on Michelle's Bastard List

CHICAGO-Task was added to Michelle’s Bastard List on Tuesday for gossiping and not even bothering to get it right. This extensive list, launched in the fall of 1998, has approximately 50 "lucky" members.

Task's fate as a friend is hopeful, as a full recovery is expected, unlike the other former Delta Dream Man, Mikey, who is currently serving a life sentence on the list for being a general idiot and bad friend.

I worry sometimes...

And here I thought that Darwinism actually worked.... Some people are so stupid.

Also...

This could explain why Britney doesn't write her own songs.

First sign of Spring?

Check out this pic...does this look familiar to you? The famous Michelle ponytail is back with a vengeance! No more short hair for me. Finally, I feel like myself again!

Blue Moon

Poor Madison, it has been a hard month for you! This is all the proof I need to show that a Republican government (and now losing to Michigan State) is bad for your health. Cheer up, darling Madison, it (hopefully) can't get any worse. Just know that you are a better city than all those red-neck cities for being so fabulously liberal (even if it means that many of your citizens still think Ralph Nader would make a good president).

Things to look forward to..

And the countdown begins....

22 days until the LSAT is done
147 days until the first Cubs home game (against the Brewers too!)
221 days until the first official day of summer
1,452 days until we can get rid of GW Bush

Local Paralegal Gone Missing

CHICAGO- Area Plaintiff’s personal injury law firm is questioning the whereabouts on AWOL employee and newest hire, Jeannie. The firm’s second (and far less superior) paralegal began working approximately 45 days ago after quitting her stint at a nemesis Defense law firm. After calling in sick for 5 consecutive days, she stopped bothering to call this week. Speculation has begun that Jeannie is a spy extorting information for rival law firm. Other theories include: she is strung out after a drug/booze binge rendering her unable to move, locked up in a Mexican jail, abducted by aliens, in the loony bin, swimming with the fishes, or is where ever the WMDs /Osama bin Laden are.

If you have any information on this missing employee, please contact the law firm’s Head Paralegal, Michelle, who has changed her permanent residence to the law firm, as she is once again drowning in work.

Adventures this weekend included going to a meat market, a political debate that ended with me saying that I was going to kill Molly's High school friend, gossiping about the the scandal du jour (oh and there are some good ones as of late...), and climbing up the side of an apartment building to look into a window.

Fannypack Siting

Oh yes, the saga continues...

Wendi and I spied the model from Brazil, affectionally nicknamed "Fannypack" last night while going to see a movie. Thanks to the the recent dye job, an embarressing run-in was avoided. Being incognito did allow us to stare and laugh uncontrollably at him as he rode down the escalator, once again proving that we are going to hell for being bitches.

Unfortunately, the fanny pack was not on display last night, much to Wendi's disappointment.

Two of the many Illinois Democrat Cheerleaders. Apparently wearing our Democrat "Very 4 Kerry" and "Kerry Me Home" shirts wasn't enough last night... I knew we should have gone to one of the swing states to make out with the undecided boys...damn. What were we thinking?

Patience is not a virtue I have...

I think I missed the day in Catholic grade school when virtues were discussed. I am pretty sure because of my absense, now I am lacking such morality (that might explain all the vices). Oops. For my inept relgious education, please forgive me.....I lack patience.

I have been obsessively clicking on CNN.com. I have been calling people to remind them to vote (that means you little brother....). I had been biting my finger nails and tapping my feet (that might be the caffine though). I have made plans to watch all the polls close with Jenna, Wendi and Kari. I will be wearing my "Kerry me home" shirt. I have been talking politics all damn day.

Can the suspense be over yet? Can Kerry just win already? God, politicing drives me mad. Jenna, put in an order for a Grey Goose Dirty Martini for me...I will want one exactly at 7 pm.

It is time to send the cowboy back to the ranch in Texas. Kerry me home today! Check this out for today's political fodder: www.kirktoons.com.

Happy Halloween/Birthdays!

So, I am attempting to do my sexy/pouty Marilyn face here, and obviously failing miserably. Damn, it is hard work being a blonde bombshell. However, bare with me, I do have a point today... In honor of everyone who has celebrated a birthday in the past week, imagine me singing, (In my throaty-st voice, of course) Happy Birthday (no, not to Mr. President) to Jenna, Sarah, and Molly. Happy belated birthdays ladies!

Cherry Bomb

Paralegally Brunette doesn't sound too bad, right? Yep, it's true I have lost the golden tresses in favor of red(ish)/brunette(ish) hair. For those that are a fan of old school, have no fear, Barbie Blonde Michelle is set to return this spring.

Nancy Sinatra at her best...

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you...
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!.

Don't think I didn't notice....

Don't think I didn't notice Jenna's post about your blog, Wendi. Thanks for telling me, punk. See if I help you pack tonight. Take that! I don't like you anyway. Move to California, see if I care.

Ok fine, I do like you and ok fine, I will help you pack tonight. You aren't off the hook though. Please see below, I am practicing my legalese:

As a result of your malicious and grossly negligent act to fufill your fiduciary duty as my friend, you are subject to a possible grounding from me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

The Hottest New Club in America

I am sensing a looming personal crisis (because who really wants to be 25?). After numerous conversations about how dreadful it is to be an adult (ok, so pretty much just pretending to be an adult), soon being closer to 30 than 20, and with all my single friends dropping like flies, I hereby am founding a Peter Pan type club.

Registration begins today and will last indefinitely. Qualifications to join will require it’s members to have the desire to go on the occasional drinking bender that results in deadly hang-overs, doing as one pleases with only having to answer to yourself, no budgets/endless shopping sprees, and absolutely no marriage anytime soon. Send a $25 check my way to join and I will send you your official membership card (Please note, being the nice girl I am, I also will accept flowers and/or gifts instead of the $25. I also will take your credit cards…).

EDITOR’S NOTE: Karin, Carissa, and Stacee, congratulations on your recent engagements, and as much as I love you as sisters and want to include you in the ass-kicking club, this club is only for us Singletons banding together and standing strong! It is about time someone does something before our Single species is extinct.

The Progression of my Saturday night...

Before Boots...


During Boots...


After Boots...

Highlights from Friday Night Fights....

Ladies and Gentlemen, and now the main event...


Round 1...Fight!


The Ring Girls (The edited picture..sorry to disappoint boys!)

Poor Millhouse, he didn't know what he was up against when he got a drunk dial from us late on Friday night... Somehow I don't think that anyone felt sorry for him.

Doing Numen Lumen Proud...

Happy UW Homecoming! Let's just hope that this year I don't drink out of the Engineering Fountain....

I'm Back....

After a day hiatus, I am back and as fiery as ever. Take that...

Going back to my roots....

My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Ass Machine D.
Find out what yours is....

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/ghetto/