For those that don't know me all the well, probably don't know about my horrid dating past. If I had to count how many bad dates I have been on in the past 1o years it would be upwards of a million, no really, that isn't too far off of an exaggeration. I've been told that I naturally attract the following men: 1) emotional unavailible men, 2) men with dependency issues, 3) all around weirdos.
This past weeks date falls into the dating realm of weirdo. He just very well might be one of the strangest humans I have ever met. Trust me, I'm all for someone with a quirky personality....I'm kinda out there myself, but I just can't work with the socially inept.
Here is the low down about my date with Braceface:
When he initially told me he had braces, I didn’t care, as I hate bad teeth. Here is the problem though, he refused to talk with his mouth totally open and also refused to smile with his teeth because of his braces. This lead to a lot of mumbling and slurred S’s. He also smiled like a serial killer. Kinda like Charles Manson.
We were at a bar that was totally dead and so of course there were plenty of seating options. He chose seats at the end of the bar for us. About 20 min into the date he stood up. I thought he was getting up to go to the bathroom, but noooo he just stood there. I asked him why he was standing and he told me he doesn’t have enough butt fat and so excessive sitting causes him irritation. I told him to sit, as him towering over me while I’m sitting is weird and makes me paranoid (the guy is 6’5”). He wouldn’t sit, so I had to converse with him while I stared directly up his nose. Awesome.
He had ironic 70’s sideburns. Think Wolverine from X-men. That pretty much sums it up. He told me recently he had one of those mustache/sideburn combo things. He also had a porn mustache and as he called it a “flavor savor.” Gross.
He made contorted faces. I understand I make funny faces when I tell very animated stories, but his face was just contorted.
He asked me to tell him a story, yet every 5 seconds into my story he either made a contorted face, stared at me like a serial killer with crazy bug eyes or most annoyingly, he talked over me and wouldn’t let me finish. The story, about how I got written out of a will because I told a very Catholic relative that the Catholics aren’t the chosen people (a 2 min story MAX), took me 15 min to tell because of all his interruptions. Hey, I get interaction, interjection and jumping in to add things when others are talking...everyone does that once in a while, but literally he interrupted me every 2 seconds to make a cheesy joke that wasn’t funny, charming, interesting or amusing.
Despite my body language which was SCREAMING “GET THE F AWAY FROM ME YOU WEIRDO,” which he even noticed and commented on, he kept on asking for me to hug him and kept on touching my hands or legs. Gross.
He jokingly called me “yo bitch” several times in an attempt to be funny. Not funny.
He made the following remarks throughout the date: “I like your hair, it’s long, so that’s good for pulling, I’ll slap you around, You should kiss me so you can say you kissed someone with braces, and Can you feel the sexual tension between us?”
He admitted to not having many friends. Big surprise Weirdo.
He kept on referring to himself as “completely adorable.” Whatever. He so wasn’t.
I know more about football than he does. What kind of straight man are you?
He told me he thinks that wine bars are pretentious. This could never work. The day before the date he was struggling with ideas of places to go for our date. He said he was trying to find a bar close to my intersection, but was having difficulty doing so. Um, really??? My neighborhood has literally 20 bars within a very short walking distance. His grand idea that he came up with was Buffalo Wild Wings, which I thought was a joke and OF COURSE vetoed immediately. I mean come on, What, what WHAT?? I asked him where he was looking online to get ideas from and he said Yahoo Maps. Um who looks at Yahoo Maps for places to take a date? Since when are they the end all be all in cool places to take a date? Given the fact that he said wine bars are pretentious; I really don’t think he was joking about BWW. This is why I can NEVER date a suburbanite.
He said weird and inappropriate things the entire date. When things like this happen, I flip the switch and go into bitch mode. I should know by now that literally every time I have done this, these weirdos actually tend to like me and are amused by my laser death stares and snotty comments. At one point, I might have told him that he was obviously terrible at reading social cues, as well as me having to tell him he was inappropriate several times, and when he asked if I could feel the sexual tension between us, I replied: “Nope!”
At the end of the date, despite the fact that I had given up on being on good behavior and being charming and thus had moved into the brutally honest bossy bitch mode, he actually leaned in and gave me the kissy face. I’m talking kissy face like a kid makes where you screw up your face and push your lips out as far as they go and then close your eyes. WTF, are you trying to be cute? You look like an idiot. Oh yes, and I failed to mentioned he made the kissy face 4 times. Finally I just gave in and gave him a quick peck after his 4th sad attempt because I felt sorry for him. Please note that just prior to this, I intentionally heavily sighed, rolled my eyes and then just gave him the “You are F’ing kinding me face” at me before I kissed him....he of course noticed this and wasn’t in the least offended. What is wrong with you?? THEN, oh yes, this isn't the end...He copped a feel at the end of the date, said he liked my butt, then asked that I stand up so he could admire it some more.
The state of coherence of my neighbor at 8:00am on Friday
Ask me stupid questions and you get a facial expression like this.
