..I've Got a Golden Ticket...

Call me a dreamer, but where can I find this book featured on the Today show? Who needs the lottery, a game of chance, when you can use your intellect to solve this mystery to gain a small fortune? I'm in, who wants to form a team with me?

Claymation

The horror of all horrors, today I was mistaken for a crazed Clay Aiken fan.

While attempting to buy my dad the new Brett Favre book at Borders, I was stopped en route by a Border's employee who's body ironically enough was so large and similar to a that of a linebacker that she was literally blocking the whole aisle of the sports section. Apparently, the book I was looking for was right next to where Clay Aiken happened to be sitting signing his new "praise Jesus/I am a virgin, but not gay you guys/I can't believe my fans are called Claymates" book. When I tried to explain that the book I needed was right next to Clay, I was given the dirtiest look by the monster woman who, I swear, muttered "Yea right" under her breath.

I don't know what is more disturbing the fact that this lady thought I was trying to cut in front of the line of 500 insane teeny-boppers and their soccer moms waiting eagerly to meet Clay or the fact that there were 500 insane teeny-boppers with soccer moms in tow ditching school just to meet the albino crooner who resembles Howdie Doodie.

Air Head

The New Man

EAST OAK STUDIO APARTMENT- The Raft, more commonly known as an Aerobed, has been dumped by Michelle. The Raft spent it's last night sleeping with Michelle on Friday and deflated early Saturday in preparation for the arrival of a new more adult bed. "Die you bastard die! I never liked you anyway! You make weird sounds and look funny!"

This torrid love affair began in August of 2002 with the realization that the elevators in Michelle's Chicago vintage apartment building were found to be the size of a coat closet and therefore unsuitable for moving a bed to the 11th floor. Being lazy and not wanting to use the winding stairs, the Raft was purchased and easily moved via freight elevator. Heather, Michelle's roommate, also did the same.

Grateful that her parents, in the Christmas spirit, took pity on her and bought the bed, Michelle looks forward to the new possibilities. "Finally, I don't have to worry about rolling into the crack in between the bed and wall! I won't even have to dive just to get on my bed!"

Baby Got Back

I knew my ghetto-booty would be en vogue one day!

Lap Dance

Too all the last minute Holiday Shoppers, here is an excellent idea for you-

I think we all know a few guys out there who might enjoy this product. Not to name names or anything, but I am thinking that a certain East Coaster who recently got laid for the second time in his life could use this to tide him over for the next few years (revenge is a bitch darling, I told you I would get you back!).

I think my favorite part is:

"Care was taken with details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow’s “backside” and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible."

And in other news-

As a favor to my parents, please do not let this happen to me.

A True Gold Coast Trixie

Damn it! I read this and realized that I have done 25 out of the 43 things listed.

Black Sabbath

EAST OAK ROOF TOP- In a crafting experiment gone terribly wrong late Sunday night, Michelle spray painted her entire right hand black on her very windy roof top. The domestically challenged brunette was attempting to make an “inspired piece” as a Christmas present.

Upon realizing no store sold paint thinner at Midnight, Michelle was forced to scour her cabinets for a remedy and found only nail polish remover, an SOS scrub pad and soap.

Michelle, who’s hand is still partially black, has been trying to avoid co-workers all day with the hopes that they don’t notice the black plague hand.

Porno Christmas

Umm...who's idea was it to call Twisted by Keith Sweat and You Make Me Wanna by Usher "sexy holiday music?" There is something seriously wrong here...

The Best Christmas Present Ever....

I was pleasantly (when pleasant means spitting out a gulp of Diet Coke on a computer screen and letting out a scream that rivals Jamie Lee Curtis' in Halloween) surprised to be greeted this morning with an email from the "Fannypack."

Fabio found it necessary to inform me that we can resume our text-messages now because he found a way to do it for free. Wow! How sweet! You found a way to make it possible for us by simply resolving our lack of communication issue (sorry darling, I don't speak Portuguese and you really don't speak English...). We can reconvene our fabulous 3 week relationship because you have so impressed me with your new level of frugality...yes, please let's do it!! I can't wait!

Things that I look forward to:

1) I can get a complex again because you think you are prettier than me!
2) I can stare at your lovely shark tattoo!
3) We can watch Love Actually again by your suggestion!

I don't think I could be more overjoyed! Now we will be as happy as Britney and Kevin!

Ulterior Motives Very Much Apparent

Michelle was called out and unsuccessful in masking what was termed by Shelly as her “not so hidden” intentions. “Damn, was I being that obvious?” the bewildered Michelle was quoted as saying early Saturday evening. Sources have disclosed that Michelle had taken the LSAT earlier that morning and that it was more than likely that her brain was still fried at the time of the IM conversation with Shelly. Speculation suggests that Michelle will be back to her normal crafty self within a day or two.

This is Michelle.


This is Michelle cramming for the LSAT..