Clowning Around

Sorry Bozo, take your clown show elsewhere...

The latest dating kafuffle:

I think I almost went on a date with a clown. Like a literal clown, not just the typical idiot who acts like a clown that I find myself out with regularly. I mean I know my life resembles a circus regularly, but this is a bit much. Let me explain....

So there is this guy, let’s call him Krusty the Clown. Krusty and I had met online and chatted on the phone for a few hours 2 months ago while we both happened to be driving to our homelands. Surprisingly, he past my rigorous phone test and I actually found him endearing, even though his annoying GPS was constantly going off because he kept on getting lost. Ahhh, a man who has no sense of direction, much like myself. Granted, perhaps he past the initial assessment because I was driving 80 mph and anyone who has ridden with me knows that my little convertible with a loud sports muffler is far from a quiet ride at that speed.... Anyway, I probably only heard half of the conversation we had at best and I’m guessing I let my imagination fill in the details I couldn’t hear. Anyway, it was a good chat and then a week later when we spoke again briefly prior to his drive back to Chicago, I was actually looking forward to meeting up with him. I should have known (and paid attention) better...

Krusty, though repeatedly calling and texting me like a stalker, followed by totally ignoring me for a whole month, ended up blowing me off twice for tentative dates, something a sasstastic girl like myself, doesn’t take too kindly too. Sooo, it was to my absolute delight, when one day last week he started texting me again...BINGO! It was now time for some ruthless Scorpio revenge.

In one text he asked me what my last name was and stupidly told me what his was. Now many of you know, that I am the finest investigator there is out there. I can track dirt on anyone simply by knowing where to go on the internet. What? Anyone can do it, it’s all free info that’s out there, I just happen to know how to put the puzzle pieces together better than most and when you encourage me to track your past, you’re damn skippy I’m going to do it! Anyway, being the good little secret agent I am, I naturally DETEST when anyone asks too much information of myself, not that there is anything all that exciting about me out there, I just like to keep the guise of “mysterious” for upper hand purposes. Trust me, once I like you I will spew story after embarrassing story about myself and the dumbass things I’ve done and will have no shame in doing so...however, to get to that point, you’re going to have to do a lot to garner trust and make it to my inner circle dwelling.

Continuing on...

So naturally, I didn’t respond to his inquiring text, buzz off dude, I’m NEVER going to make it that easy for you! Instead of course, I insta stalked him online. First fun piece of information: court records indicated that he used to have a business that was revoked for not paying taxes...scandalous, but what made it all the more juicy was the name of the business... I did a quick Google and couldn’t find much, but I suspect his business was children’s entertainment for hire, meaning he more than likely was a creepy clown or pervy magician! Umm, yuck! Next nugget of fun, his Facebook page. The profile wasn’t all that exciting until I happened to glance at the section which listed his favorite books. Per a quick Amazon scouring, the first several titles were self help Christian dating books. Yikes, Shaggy, that’s scary! The cherry (Bahahahaha!) on the sundae though, was the book about giving orgasms. WHAT? REALLY? You list all these bible beater dating books to get in good with the Brides of Christ Crew and then list a sultry Kama Sutra-esque book on how to be a good lover trying to proclaim to the Facebook community about your mastery of bedroom skills?? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT? Eeeew! Listing these books is essentially the equivalent of boys who proclaim what good kissers they are...and FYI, in every instance that some dude has uttered that phrase to me; it has literally been the polar opposite.

Did I also mention I found out that he doesn’t drink, like AT ALL? Which, of course, this only leads me to believe he is either a recovering drunk and/or he is a Jesus Crispy (Krusty?). Either way he can’t be trusted. Anyone who finds wine, dirty martinis or vodka sodas to be repulsive works of the devil is not someone who I want to swap spit with.

This was never going to work for eight million obvious reasons. Plus, I can’t take you serious if for your day job you wear more make up than I do. That’s wear I draw the line.

Joie de Vivre

So pardon my French, literally, I have no clue how to pronounce the above saying, but I know what it means and I've been feeling it a lot lately. Totally, dippy, yep that is for sure, but I'm feeling more a live lately. Maybe it's all the veggies, maybe it's the exercise, maybe it's because spring has finally sprung in Chicago...regardless it's good to be out there and living life to the fullest.

Ok, so I know all I blog about lately is the BL contest. I admit, I'm a little bit obsessed with it. I can't help it though, I'm competitive and why not be obsessed with it? I'm losing weight to get more healthy! This week's weigh in was killer for me! I had my best weigh in by losing 1.74% this week....though as impressive a loss as that was it STILL wasn't enough to win this week! The winner lost 3.5% of his body weight this week. Who does that? How did he do that? Damn, what do I have to do to win a week around here, saw off a limb? I was considering having one of my many newly minted doctor friends do some pro bono non-vital organ removal. Who needs an extra kidney, an appendix, and while we're at it tonsils? I would add wisdom teeth, but I already had them removed years ago. Maybe if I cut off a bunch of my Rapunzel hair? Nah, I can't do that, I look stupid with short hair as evidenced in the hair debacle of 2004 when I let my alcoholic hairdresser with a case of the shakes cut my hair. Anyway, this week and I am 4th overall having lost 7.43% total (with 2nd and 3rd place just barely ahead at 7.5 and 7.6%). Next Monday is the final showdown. 1st place is still attainable if I work my ass off again this week. I'm at least placing in the top 3, there is no way I'll let that slip through my fingers!

And for those of you who were missing me and my crazy dates, have no fear...there just might be something in the works. We'll see where this one (or two) end up...

The Last Few Weeks...

Look who we got to meet...

Hey all....HELLOOOOOOO. Are you still there?

Sorry about that, I took a break from blogging for a bit. I got busy with life, blah blah blah, boring and tired excuse. Ok fine, I joined a cult for a brief stint. It didn't work out, so now I'm back. Is that a better excuse? ;)

Soooo, what have I really been up to? Well, let's see....the last 2 weekends I hosted a few house guests in my tiny shoebox size apartment. It was cozy to say the least, but I was surrounded by great friends whom I hadn't seen in eons.

Two weekends ago I planned the 30th birthday party for Miss Shauna B. We surprised her by flying in one of her besties, Jackie, from LA to help us celebrate a night of debauchery. The weekend was full of sushi boats, martinis, broken glasses (count at the end of the night was 2 at the same bar...ooops), yummy Molly's cupcakes, cocktail rings from Akira (thanks Jackie!) and the comedy of the talented Mr Bret Ernst.

Last weekend, was of course St Patty's Day weekend and with it brought a visit from Miss Julie. Julie, JMo and I downed a bottle or two of wine in my apartment (or truthfully, believe it or not, I only actually had 1 glass out of those 2 bottles...really I swear). Inspired from my new clock ring, We then decided it would be a genius idea to shop for more cocktail rings....because seriously inebriated shopping is ALWAYS good shopping. Shopping was followed by dinner, a quick drink at an Irish pub down the street and once again more Molly's. Really, I should buy stock in that company since I bring people there all the time. Their cupcakes are so ridiculously good that it literally pained me to only eat half of it and make JMo finish the rest of it for me. Stupid weight loss contest....

And as for the Biggest Loser Contest...I'm still going strong! I'm down 5.53% of my initial weight and currently in 4th place overall. The top 5 are all pretty much neck and neck, so it is still any one's game. The top 5 consists of me and 4 male attorneys. Yes, I am the ONLY girl still in the running for the grand prize. Needless to say, the next 2 weeks will be intense to say the least. Lots of work outs and lots of salads. Victory will be mine!

Reunited!

Me and Jackie

Sushi boats!

This is what happens when you drinks too much wine...

My new cocktail rings!

Three times better with just one letter!

Cauliflower Power

This is what stares at me every night as a part of my dinner...mock mashed taters ie pureed cauliflower

And the Biggest Loser contest rages on....

At today's 4th weigh in I am down 3.5% of my weight! I had a massive loss this week with a 1.65% drop! I was CONVINCED I was going to win's this week's biggest weight drop, but alas I ended up in 3rd. The good news is that overall I'm in 4th...two of the attorneys a head of me are near their goal weights and the third, the associate I not so lovingly call Pig Pen, is my only real competition at this point. Granted Pig Pen has dropped big numbers the last 3 weigh ins, but I figure he'll plateau soon. Plus next week he is on vaca, he is bound to gain weight then, right? I am buckling down and putting my nose to the grind stone EVEN harder this week. I WILL win next week's weigh in and I WILL win overall. There is now like $150 on the line (since people who gain weight have to put in a dollar for every pound), but more than that there is pride and bragging rights in the office, which goes a very long way.

Really I have never eaten so much cauliflower in all my life, my new vegetable of choice.

In other news, I succesfully came in dead last in both rounds of bowling during Gutterball and once again proved that drinking for charity is always a good thing, but not a good thing for my sporting abilities. Apparently all my Wii bowling practice was for not.

This week brings about another hectic schedule. Friday is the GTL Jersery Shore party being hosted by 2 of my Chi pals and Saturday is a sad going away party for Miss Amanda. Additionally there will be drinkies with Miss Megan tomorrow, 2 classes, 2 power point presentations that I haven't even started yet, 2 client reports to draft due Wednesday and a lawyerly meeting to attend at work. Sigh...when does it get less busy around here?

Bitch is Back!

Hey all...kinda been laying low here the last 2 weeks. Truthfully I've been highly agitated from heavily dieting and kind of a bear to be around lately, hence no adventures to be had. Being hungry all the time makes me crabby, go figure. Guess I was never cut out to be a super model....well that and the fact that I'm 3 inches shy of the minimum for being able to strut on the catwalk. At least that is what my one time slimy would be modeling agent told me.

Anyway....

As of Monday I'm down 1% of my weight. Not earth shattering, but I suppose it's better than gaining 1%! I am right in the middle of the pack of our Biggest Loser contest. This week's winner lost 3%. Then again he did have the flu last week. Maybe I should sneak into his office during lunch and lick his phone. Yes, I'm that competitive, that I actually considered doing that.. Anyway, let's hope Monday's weigh in has a more stellar result!

Phat, Fat, Whatever...

Last week I received an email from BCBS stating that they had started up a fitness program that would allow me access to several well known chain gyms for $29/month with no long term contract to sign. Seeing as how the gym in my building reminds me of a serial killer's lair (it's in the scary, smelly basement, there is at least an inch of dust on all pieces of equipment and there appear to be no over head lighting options, so the nearby laundry room's lights need to be on in order to even see a foot in front of you), I knew this was my sign...well that and my booty is looking less than fierce presently. Anyway, I forwarded the deal of the century to all of my coworkers and after much grumble between most of them about extra holiday poundage that hadn't disappeared, the brilliant idea to organize a Biggest Loser contest for our firm was hatched!

On Monday, 13 of us boldly decided to take back control over our mid sections! Weigh in was as pleasant as a root canal and I saw a number I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN, but it was a step in the right direction and hopefully the wake up call that I needed. Additionally, there is money and pride on the line and I'm bound and determined to win!

Yesterday I felt like I was starving all day, but I ate healthy food for all meals and snacks, despite my desire to stuff my head into a potato chip bag, inhale and not care if I suffocate. Today I ate even more healthy options and went to the gym for the first time in a long time. Added bonus, I didn't die while working out, something I was convinced I was deathly allergic to.

Tonight I'm watching my Badgers beat up on MSU, going to bed early and fingers crossed, if I actually get a good nights sleep (stupid insomnia), I plan on getting up early to go to the gym before work. Yes. I just said that. No I haven't lost my mind from lack of junk food. It isn't going to be easy rolling out of bed to get my ass handed to me by the elliptical, and I haven't done the early morning thing since Sarah practically had to pry me out of my apartment kicking and screaming to work out with her in the mornings during the 05-07 stint in Madison, but it'll pay off eventually, right? Maybe I'll become a morning person rather then the morning bitch I kinda am. Ha, that's an amusing thought...

Wish me luck....I'm totally going to need it!

My Mii for the ginormous chart I hung up at work in the kitchen to track the percentage of our weight lost.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

The state of coherence of my neighbor at 8:00am on Friday

Friday morning, while waiting for the elevator in my apartment building, a neighbor who very much resembles a mouse, asked me if it was cold out. Being the total zombie I am until I have my coffee, I stared at him and said "Huh, What?" thinking to myself that I was more out of it than usual. He asked me again, "Do you know if it is cold outside right now?" to which I gave him the You are a Total Moron Look and responded: "Ummm, a) I don’t know, as I just rolled out of bed and b) if I was staking my life on it, I would say yes, it is afterall January in Chicago." Mouseman’s response “Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.” He then proceeded to tell me how he drives to work in his warm car, listens to Drex, but doesn’t like getting out of his car because then he gets cold, but in a few months he isn’t going to be able to drive to work in the morning anymore and then he just going to be cold all morning. I pointed out that in a few months it will be much warmer out. His response. “Oh yeah! You’re right!”

WTF am I living?? To his credit, it did appear that Mouseman had just waked and baked, so that could explain our asinine conversation. At least once of my neighbors is smart, Mark after Dark has a PhD.

After this story was discussed on FB, it was pointed out that he might have been trying to hit on me and just didn't know what to say. If this is true, I suppose my response and eyerolling was kinda bitchy. But seriously, I couldn't help it. His crazy beady rodent eyes were freaking me out. Meh, whatever...

Ask me stupid questions and you get a facial expression like this.